He was always the one to start everything first.
Tapi sekarang, everything is up to me. Kalau aku tak mulekan. That it’s the end of it.
Benda yang paling buat aku rase sedih and sakit is that die selalu cakap, “tak nak kacau,” sebab aku tak pernah langsung rase die kacau aku. So aku rase macam die yang tak nak aku kacau die.
I guess after this I’m letting everything go.
What scares me the most is that, we’ve just been together for about 6 months. And now the changes are obvious.
Kalau dah 5 tahun akan datang macammane? Akan sampai ke 5 tahun? That I don’t really know.
What will happen after several years we are standing together? Will the changes get worse and worse?
Today, felt like I’m the one chasing, him?? Kind of letting everything go. It is real? Or it’s me who are over reacting.
Korang korang korang mungkin pke,
“ngade ngade gile budak ni, hal ini pun nak jadi masalah”
Let me tell you something, I don’t really want that too. Bukan aku nak rase sume ni.
It comes automatically. I was waiting last night, and I was waiting this morning neither.
Every single time, I told myself, “I’m very much done waiting,” but guess what. That never happen.
Every single time I kept on waiting although it does give me a severe pain inside. I don’t really know what, but it seems that that pain won’t go away.
Past is haunting me. All the other girls scare me.
Bak kata Tomok lah kann “ Sejarah mungkin berulang,” and guess what, it scares me. Scares me a lot.
Orang kata, “kite kene belajar dari pengalaman, dan jangan ulang kesilapan kita,”
All of sudden, I started to think, is giving him a chance a kind of mistake that I shouldn’t ever repeat.
Giving this a thought makes me cry. And the tears kind of hard to stop.
The thing that I notice the most is that when he’s missing me, I’ll make sure I’ll be there but the moment I need him, I do try search for him, but I guess you know. He’s never there.
Why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I be the way I am before? Why am I now this weak?
I want my strength back. I want myself back.
And I want the old him back. The one that search for me at the very moment he opens his eyes. The one that always curious about what I am doing.
I lost him, the old him. Will I ever loss the new him either?
Orang kata, “biase lah tuh, orang mule mule je beriye iye. Lame lame berubah jugak. Kalau mule mule selalu mesej, selalu call, lame lame jadi kurang lah” aku ingat aku dah sediakan diri aku for that.
But guess what I didn’t prepare enough. Sebab I never expect that from him.
What am I doing? Why am I crying?
I’ve already put my hope low and waiting for the worst. So what am I doing with tears all over my face?
Come on lah ayn! You have put your hope down low. Only your hope! Not the whole you. So please stand tall!
[although you’re not that tall]
God, please give me back my strength. Kembalikan kekuatan aku yang dulu. Kekuatan aku dimana aku boleh berdiri walau ape pun jadi.
Miss Nur Atiqah Abdul Malik so much. Miss her. She was like my sister. Always been there trying her best to understand me. Although I am not an easy person to understand. But guess what? She never back out on me.
She understands me and never judges me. I don’t really know whether this is true, but I trust he and I know she will never talk behind my back.
She never left me alone when I need her the most. It’s like I will never loose her even if I beg her to.[which I obviously won’t do that]
She let me be myself and I don’t have to play pretend with her. She understand when I am very busy and never said yang aku lupe kawan and aku lebihkan pakwe aku.
I never want to loose her and missing her damn much!
I miss her more than everything and at this particular moment how I wish she is here right by my side!
I love her so much until I am keeping my distance so that at the day she went to Kuwait or anywhere around the world[I know she can!], I will not get very sad.
Because just by thinking bout it makes me cry and feels like hugging her.