Unsatisfying Achievements.

Sometimes it makes me wonder. Whenever I achieve something. Is it true it’s because of me. Or it is because of other. As I am being confident with myself with my self contribution to my life. Others said. If you stand on your own. You will never even exist. And sometimes it does sound true.

And whenever I get to a certain level. Other would congrate me as for them. It is good achievement. I don’t even know how to react to that because I still envy those who did better. I still don’t feel the satisfaction that others tell me I should have.

I don’t know if this is a good thought or is it bad. But as long as I am not the one who called champion, satisfaction is never a choice. Maybe this is why I’ve never get the title. People say that there’s  reason for everything that happen. So I really hope that this time. It’s a good one. 

Flushed Down The Drain.

Every single time, when people ask me where do I come from, and I said.

I AM FROM MALAYSIA.

All of those people from other country will say. That Malaysia is a very good country as it is always peaceful and harmony. But what we see is not always what it is. Sometimes, there is manipulation behind a smile. Malaysia is no longer as peaceful as it was. I miss how Malaysia was once.

Now, Malaysia seems no longer a country with a very peaceful surroundings. I admit, Malaysia has now step to a new level. But the thing is the mind of the people here is getting one step lower. We now seems to have a bigger idea on how better ourselves are and how bad other people are. We even have a bigger idea on how to make sure other people not to succeed. See how as more modernise we are, more twisted we become. Every single time anything happen. It turns into a very big political issues which actually make me worried.

Malaysian, I would like to remind you of what happen in Bosnia, Middle  East. Because of difference of political believe they fight against each other. And look what happen to them now? Rusia is now devided into two region. Korea have trouble meeting their sibling or cousins from other region. Aren’t you scared that happen to us.

Please Malaysian, don’t let this simple political issues and differences to tear us apart and flushed us down the drain. I’m scared if one day, the term us would no longer exist. We are already different in many ways since from the beginning and yet we live harmony. Why now? Why ever? 

Unexplainable Breakdown.

When you know that you are of a really high risk to be the one to fail a team. The pressure is unexplainable. When you get others to count on you. Some people might say. Having someone to count on you is actually a good thing. It shows that you are being trusted.

But when the probability for you to suck at what they are counting on is high. Then you’re dead. Just dead.

Confrontation is never bearable to be heard. But at least. There must be some of the point that might be right. That might be helping in some ways. And maybe. With that confrontation one day. You get to do what they actually wanted. Or even better.

You yourself prove them wrong.

Dream Or Nightmare.

How funny. Last night I dreamt of you. F.

Picking me up with a white car. And act as if there is nothing wrong happen. A little bit awkward at first.

But as time goes by. we had fun. We actually go to a pet shop and play with animals.

You even accompany me to make my new matric card. And we go out later.

Didn’t even had the opportunity to go out. I realised it was just a dream.

It is a dream when I was still sleeping. But a nightmare the very second I’m awake.

If We Were Still Friends.

If only I can talk to you. If only now I can pick up my phone and call you.

I would cry my eyeballs out I would tell you how frustrated I am with this coming debate competition and all the comments that have been thrown at me.

They say that I would never get to the quarter final even. And they say. Whenever I open up my mouth. They say that they feel like sleeping. They say that I am like an old lady that try to convince people.

F. If you were here. I bet you’ll say to me. Just do the best and prove them wrong.

I would talk back and say that I no longer have any confident in me.

And you would ask me not to give up this fast as thinking about giving up means I already lost.

And you will say that I can do this. You will tell me that I am the only friend you have that is a good debater.

And I would feel a little bit confident and I would be brave enough to push away all the negative comments.

But if only you were here. If only I can still have all the conversation with you.

I pray for us to be bestfriend back again. But that seems more and more  impossible every single day.

But it’s okey. I’ll just have this one way conversation. And think about what you’re going to response.

And at the end of our conversation. I would say. Thank you donkey or any other name.

And you would say. “Kurang ajar kau ni”.

And I would laugh and hang up the phone.

F. if only you were here. If only we are still friends.